Movies That Tragically Don’t Exist
Often, I spend my nights glaring at my computer screen as I scroll through Netflix, looking for the perfect movie to watch. Nothing I find ever seems good enough. This is probably because I already know what I want and it just doesn’t exist. Frequently, I’m hit with the sudden realization that if I could watch a Kitchen Romance/Murder Mystery starring Mia Wasikowska and Justin Baldoni, my life would be extremely close to perfect.
Because I know in my heart that I’m not the only one lamenting the fact that Orlando Bloom and Kit Harington haven’t played begrudging family members yet, here are two movies I know we’d all love if only someone would listen to me.
The Plot: Allie James is the girl with the okay life. Sure, the roof of her house is starting to leak and her neighbors keep telling her that her porch’s “slight dissolving problem” is actually because of termites; and, right, sure, her boss has been mentioning downsizing while making direct eye contact and the girl from HR keeps putting her hand on her shoulder in a semi-comforting way. However, Allie’s life is fine. That is until her high school sweetheart returns to their hometown and her life with a, quite literal, bang. When Jack Peters appears on TV’s Most Wanted and her doorstep, Allie will find that when it’s between her heart and her head, she hasn’t changed much since high school.
The Dream Team:
Jack Peters: Jensen Ackles
Young Jack Peters: Dylan Everett
Allie James: Reese Witherspoon
Young Allie James: Ava Phillippe
Director: Derek Cianfrance
The Prompting: Reese Witherspoon and her daughter look exactly the same. How can you see a photo of them together and not immediately jump to a through-the-years-romance movie? Everyone would watch it. Everett and Phillippe would be adorable. Ackles would finally be in a romance movie. Witherspoon would be in another movie for me to watch. It’s a win for everyone involved.
The Plot: City cops Tom Bombardo and Phil Andrews do not get along. They disagree on how to do the job, what is appropriate to ask witnesses, and even what topping to order for the department pizza party. The other cops in their precinct often remark that it’s impressive how little the two have in common. Because of this, when they’re ordered to go undercover as housemates, the two expect to begrudgingly accept the others presence. What they get, however, is a discovery that sometimes the best things in life come from places you’d never expect.
The Dream Team:
Tom Bombardo: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Phil Andrews: Vin Diesel
Director: Amy Schumer
The Prompting: My dad is obsessed with The Rock. Also, I am a tiny bit obsessed with this teddy bear with arms of steel and a heart of gold. I truthfully don’t understand why the world could give us Johnson and Diesel passive aggressively baking a cake for a block party and then choosing not to. It’s within our powers and I won’t stop raving about it until it’s in theaters near you. The movie would be hilarious and, undoubtedly, a tear-jerker.
Also, I am putting in a formal request with Hollywood to remake Austenland. Not because it was incredibly cheesy and at some points terribly acted, but because I am 100% obsessed with it and I would enjoy some extra material to add into my monthly viewing. (I would also accept a new adaptation of Penelope, assuming you keep the same cast, crew, and overall tone of the original 2006 movie.)