BREAKING NEWS: College Bigfoot Campus
Once upon a time, there was a college sitting in the heart of Illinois… Just kidding; this isn’t that type of story. We are talking about the real deal. We are talking about the Bigfoot of Bond County. You may think that I’m just some college kid full of hot air, but let’s be real! The big ol’ ‘squatch is out there in them woods!
Legend has it that this particular Bigfoot has been harassing Greenville College since the mid-fifties and encounters with him have gotten more aggressive as the years have gone by. Just last week a student disappeared walking near a forested area—don’t quote me on that—but if one were to go missing then we know it was the workings of that curly-headed furball.
I personally have had Bigfoot encounters with my hiking partner Blake, and this past week I decided to bring my camera with us to go bird watching. But, right as I was about to snap a frame of the elusive Wood Warbler, all heck broke loose. Things started flying from out of the forest right in our direction. This wasn’t our first encounter with the musty-smelling beast but it was far more personal. Just look at the video below to see those terrifying moments. It is surely something that neither Blake nor I will ever forget.
After this incident, I wanted to find out more about this beast, but you know how Googling a “mythical” creature goes. You just get a bunch of loonies making up stories or creating fake videos of him. It’s just kind of ridiculous how people want to lie about everything. Anyway, back to the point. I decided that I would interview a couple of people from the college that have had similar encounters. I know that they are valid sources because they just had that Bigfoot-victim vibe surrounding them.
The first person that I interviewed was Cale Jausel. He had a similar encounter as Blake and me. He was walking down the main trail of the Gullies when he heard a strange yelp. Paralyzed with fear, he couldn’t even breathe for what felt like hours. Then he saw it! What emerged from the underbrush was something the likes of which he had never seen. His description was as follows:
“I swear he had three legs and a huge upper body; he could probably bench 800lbs.”
The second person that I had the pleasure of interviewing was Brandon Keaskowski. Keaskowski was embedded deep within the same jungle that most refer to as the Gullies. He was out hunting for Morel mushrooms. This was his first time hunting mushrooms so he found what he believed to be Morels. It was close to dinner so he decided to eat one. A few moments later he started to see the creature running around him. Keaskowski insists that the Bigfoot knocked him out with a log because he passed out and woke with no recollection of what happened next, as well as a severe headache. Keaskowski’s description of the beast was nothing short of horrifying:
“He was BIG, purple, had a green patch on his stomach, and he almost had the resemblance of a dinosaur. He had huge feet and seemed to be singing with a group of children. I almost died!”
Campus security assures me that there is no Bigfoot on campus but with all of the eye witnesses (there are at least 4 of them), how can they be so sure? What I do know is that there have been reports of trash cans knocked over and one of Brian Gertler’s dogs went missing last week. (Again, don’t quote me on that.) Oh, and not to mention the video evidence above. Take a look at that and decide for yourself. And if you decide not to believe, the next time you’re walking through the Gullies, taking a nature hike or crashing your BMX bike, remember that there is a .00001% chance a big, hairy, purple monster could be watching you from the bushes, waiting to throw a log at you. Be aware of what might be watching you. It is pertinent to your wellbeing!