World in Briefs

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by Kevin Dunne.


Maybe it’s because Oktoberfest is happening, and they had a few too many, maybe it’s from seeing movies like Heat too many times, or maybe it’s sheer stupidity that drove robbers to blow up an entire bank this past Monday. Intending to just blow up the bank’s ATM, the robbers apparently overdid it, causing the entire building to collapse. Similar high-end and rather extreme stunts have been pulled in Germany recently, again begging the question of whether the robbers were too drunk, too overexposed to Hollywood action films, or just too stupid.

New Zealand

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Eels are creatures that prefer dark, well-hidden places, and a John Doe showed up at the Auckland City Hospital last week to inform the staff that his rear end was just such a place. As shocking as that may sound, it’s the truth. The eel, which was “about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus,” was removed and the man went on his way. Feeling extremely embarrassed, the man has elected to keep his name undisclosed.


Bad news for everybody who absolutely can’t live without Apple’s newest and greatest phone that won’t become “obsolete” in months. On Monday, a 2,000-person brawl erupted in the dormitory near a Foxconn factory, where many of Apple’s iPhones are produced. The factory shut down temporarily, halting production for a day. Overall, 40 workers were taken to the hospital and many more were arrested. It is said that the fight may have begun after a security guard hit an employee, but that’s according to Internet boards, so who’s to say? More likely than not, the fight was started over an unfinished game of Words With Friends, but that’s only speculation.


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United States

The perpetual battle of the Lord Almighty versus Satan has manifested itself in where else but California. The heavenly clash began when an unidentified man’s neighbors blared gospel music nonstop. In retaliation, the man chose not to fire back with Lamb of God or Slayer, but with pornography. The man dragged his television out to his deck, turned up the volume, and watched porn in retaliation. Several other surrounding neighbors have taken offense to this and while the man isn’t breaking any laws, reports that, “The angry neighbor admits porn may not have been ‘the best choice.’” What is most perplexing about this entire affair is that the man’s natural defense mechanism was to watch porn at high volumes.

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United Kingdom

Constables in Worcestershire, England were put on high alert last week after a police officer reported seeing a “suspicious bright light.” The officer, who might have actually been a child parading around in his Halloween costume a bit early, was actually investigating the moon. Clearly no Sherlock, or even Encyclopedia Brown for that matter, the officer had to call off a backup request. While the public doesn’t know the name of the officer, over 132,000 police officers, from high-ranking to waning and petty officers have been informed. None of these officers have had the heart to tell the mystery man that, in fact, there is no actual dark side of the moon.