By: Kevin Dunne
Chinese police officers could have potentially busted the world’s most expensive house party in history. About 10,000 bottles of the world-famous Chateau Lafite Rothschild red wine was uncovered in an abandoned house and, if real, would be worth approximately $16 million dollars. The owner of the house, who kept it unoccupied for nearly ten years, was unaware of any illegal activity. The possibility exists that the wine may be counterfeit, which would diminish the value of the smuggled stash.
A completely unexpected case brought to the Christchurch District Court by the Ministry of Silly Walks, I mean Primary Industries, has made many scratch their heads. South Korean officers Soon Ill Hwang and Dae Jun Lee were accused of illegally dumping dead fish in the sea by the ministry, but when Soon dropped dead, his charges did not. A representative of the ministry persisted in charging Soon, but Justice Gary MacAskill dismissed the case and compared it to the Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Unfortunately, Soon was not able to make an appearance on Famous Dead People, if ya know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. For those who didn’t get that joke because you’ve only seen Holy Grail, I pity you.
True romance is hard to come by nowadays. In an age of fast-paced and hectic lifestyles, it gets hard for some to put aside a little time to be considerate towards their loved one, but that can’t be said for Bunty Verma. While Verma may have verbally insulted his wife repeatedly until she left him, you have to give him points for trying to do something, even if that something was idiotic. What did this smooth-talking Casanova do to try to woo his wife over, you might ask? In a romantic gesture to cut off the source of his problem, Verma cut his tongue off. Some may argue that it was a tasteless act, but any romantic can see that it was a sincere gesture.
Florence Taylor, an 86 year-old resident of Nottinghamshire, England, admitted that she is petrified to leave her home after recently being assaulted by, of all things, a ferret. Yes, apparently ferrets attack people, as Taylor found out when one boarded her scooter and bit her leg. Taylor proceeded to beat the creature for two minutes until it leggo and informed the police of the situation. Laughing it off, like any sane person would, the police refused to investigate the situation, even after Taylor insisted that, “It’s got a taste for my blood now.” The whereabouts of the Rambo-like creature are currently unknown.