Written by Jonathan Barker | Media by Thomas Hajny
There is less than two weeks until Thanksgiving. This means several different things, but most importantly it means that Black Friday is almost here! We’ve prepared just the thing for all the anxious Black Friday shoppers. Follow these instructions and you will easily crush your competition. Here is the official 2014 Black Friday workout plan.
To prepare for the harsh conditions of waiting outside your favorite store, try setting up a tent outside your first morning class and stay the night. Wake up early to pack up your belongings before class starts so you are ready to enter the classroom as soon as your professor arrives. Consider this your test run.
You need to start early on cardio. Escalators make for perfect stair treadmills. Go to your local mall or find an escalator elsewhere to climb up the stairs in the opposite direction for five minutes. Give yourself a break and repeat. It is important to strengthen your calf muscles to ensure you will be the fastest up and down the escalator, leaving your competition in the dust. Increasing your endurance is also imperative to ensure you will be able to retain energy to last the whole shopping holiday. Don’t be afraid to train while other people are using the escalator. It is vital to practice in a real-life situation. Remember: Bob and weave.
It’s time to strengthen your core with a fun tug-of-war match. Find a partner similar to your size to practice ripping the desired item from your enemies’ hands. Don’t be afraid to play dirty. There will be casualties. Show no mercy because only the strongest can survive. If grandma really wanted the item, she should have worked more on her triceps. Wrestling spars are also encouraged for today.
Today is another leg day. Prepare a track with hurdles to increase your jumping distance and agility. This workout will enable you to jump over fallen shoppers who could not handle the pressure. This will also grant you the ability to successfully dodge and leap over small children in your way. Know your limit to avoid knocking over kids, which would interrupt your tight shopping schedule. Setting up a full obstacle course is ideal, but hurdles alone should do the job.
The day is approaching. It has come time to practice your wallet quick-draw. For maximum efficiency, decide on a designated place in your wallet to keep your credit card that provides easy access. Try doing at least 25 reps. Tonight, go online and study blueprints of each store you intend to shop at tomorrow. Mark the quickest routes to each section of the store to decrease the time you spend in each store.
Wake up plenty early and eat a healthy breakfast. On your way to your destination, practice your evil stare on other drivers. If they are going to the same store, they are your enemy. Leave none alive. Remember, even if you don’t think you need a certain item you should get it anyways. Who can beat these prices?