Written by Kevin Dunne. Media by Bobby Williams.
A few days before Easter, three sheep were being baaaaad, much like the nature of this joke. An ewe and two lambs, while normally cute and adorable, somehow broke into a store in Wookley Hole Caves in Somerset. The terrible trio of thieving animals devoured a few thousand chocolate eggs in the store, covering themselves in chocolate in the process, and somehow subsequently becoming even MORE adorable. When the store owners contacted their suppliers, they did what anybody would do when told that sheep broke into a store and made off with thousands of chocolate eggs: they laughed at them and agreed to deliver more chocolate. The sheep got off free, as the store’s general manager, Daniel Medley, said, “They are so cute that we couldn’t be too angry with them.” To disagree with Mr. Medley, your heart would have to be ice cold. Just look at how cute that lamb is.
When most people think of Canada, pictures of Dudley Do-Right, syrup, hockey, Rush, and folks that greet each other with a “howdy do” are conjured to the mind. These assumptions aren’t too far off, but not everyone in Canada is a flapjack eating model citizen. Believe it or not, some Canadians go to jail, and Billy McNeely was one such Canuck. Whenever he was in prison, his back would beep when being wanded, but nobody thought anything of it. For the past three years, his back had itched, but again, nobody thought anything of it. That is, until McNeely’s girlfriend discovered a three-inch knife in his back. The knife was soon removed and McNeely confessed that he had been stabbed in a past fight, but doctors had simply stitched up his wound and somehow missed the blade.
Some thieves dream of stealing the Mona Lisa, others dream of stealing fast cars, but Veniamin Konstantinovich Balika of Plainfield, Illinois, dreamt a little bigger. At the age of 34, Balika pulled off the ultimate heist: stealing $200,000 (42,000 pounds) of Wisconsin cheese. Detective Oliver Sissman found a flaw in the seemingly immaculate plan, false paperwork, and was able to arrest Balika in New Jersey. NBC reports that “if the cheese passes inspections by health authorities it will be donated to charity.” Nobody can be sure just what nefarious plans Balika had in store for the would-be cargo. Was he going to sell it to the black market? Did he just really like cheese? Was he planning to make lots of nachos? There are many speculations, but only time will reveal details in what has become the crime of the century.