No More DC Ice Cream

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Written by Caleb Hall. Media by Kelsey Neier.


New from the DC: Disturbing Health Crackdown

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Media by google images.

The Dining Commons are notorious for being students’ least favorite place to eat, but their newest health measure has raised the bar to a whole new level. As of Monday of next week, the Dining Commons will remove the soft-serve ice cream machine from the dessert table……permanently.

The removal of frozen dairy treats is only beginning the new reign of terror. Those of you who studied here last year may very well remember the attempted “No-Meat Monday’s”. Slashing tasty foods wasn’t enough; now they’re being removed completely. The deeper issue, however, lies hidden. Who’s behind these stringent new cutbacks? What’s driving them forward, what’s bringing about the change? The truth is terrifying and far-reaching.

It has been revealed that while the Dining Commons is directly in charge of placing the new standards in place, there are more influential forces leading from the shadows. The President of GCSA, Riley O’Regan, has been reported to ‘have had direct involvement’ enacting the despicable new regulations. He has been overheard remarking with such comments as, “I only want the rest of the student body to be as healthy as I am” and, “I’ve never really liked ice cream. Why should everyone else get to enjoy it?” He seems to think that good health is to be achieved by any and all means necessary. With his position turning further and further from the democratic leadership we need, his decisions are becoming almost dictatorial in nature. Remember that “election” he won? Not exactly the picture of fair and balanced, let alone the fact that he ran unopposed. Who knows what he threatened his former competitors with? But heaven forbid we lay the blame solely at Riley’s feet; others bear responsibility as well.

Ivan Filby, Greenville’s very own President, has wholeheartedly endorsed the new healthy eating plan. Little did we, the student body, hear of this during his commencement speeches and cheery greetings. His behind-the-scene dealings have led to this: taking away ice cream to bring about healthier students. That’ll sure encourage higher enrollment next year. It should be noted that the Dean, Norm Hall, followed along willingly. As per the norm (pun intended), his ship is anchored firmly to the Filby dock. Any other administration member have no choice but to nod and smile as students are pushed down lower and lower.

The deceit goes all the way up the chain of command to the very seat of our great nation’s power. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, has been pushing for tighter restrictions on food in schools for years. Without her involvement the plan wouldn’t have even gotten off the ground. It seems we’re getting what we deserve for placing her in the White House along with her husband……a slap on the wrist, all because we tried to enjoy a bit of delicious ice cream every now and again.

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Media by google images.

Amidst all this chaos deceit and confusion, who can we call upon for help? Ah yes, the vaunted Student Senate! Who else but Senate will be the protector of students’ rights in the face of such atrocities? As elected members faithfully stand for their respective classes’ values and preferences, our senators keep the higher-ups from acting against the interests of the student body. But wait…….they have done nothing. Debate solves nothing when no conclusions are made, and it’s becoming ever-clearer that the Senate has no real power. They are merely a front, a facade meant to comfort those of us who find unpleasant truths disturbing. So much for helping those in need.

My friends, listen close; for the worst is yet to come. The removal of ice cream is but the prequel to Phase One in the new healthy eating plan. In a month, the dessert table will be eliminated completely. At the start of the autumn semester, one day each week will be purely vegetarian meals. In a year or two pizza, french fries, and chicken nuggets will be mere memories of the way things used to be. I fear for us all, for I know not the end-goal will be. What can we do when the conspiracy reaches so deep? In the meantime, stay united and eat as much ice cream as you like…….while you still can.


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Media by google images.


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