Console War Gripes

Written by Logan Welliver. Media by James Menk.

Once upon a time a man invented the internet. Everybody thought that the internet was going to be this wonderful place of discovery, a place that people would come together and solve the worlds problems. Sadly, that future never came. The purpose of the internet is seemingly to breed trolls and create debating grounds, if you can even call them debates. And lately there is one debate that has ruled the front page of the internet. The console wars.

This cycle, in my opinion, has gone on far too long and I am thankful to see new life breathed into this industry. New shiny machines with fancy titles such as the PS4, Xbox One, and the tantalizing Wii U. All of these consoles are teasing brand new games and brand new experiences. But here is the biggest problem: they are all fighting for my attention. The consumers’ money is what they have their eye on.

If I sat down and had a conversation with each console, this is what I would expect to hear.

PS4: Hello! Do you know me? Maybe you remember my older brother PS2? 150 million sales? Yeah, I’m better than him. Yeah PS3 was a screw up compared to him, but 78 million in sales? Not too shabby. Well guess what I have that they don’t? More sequels! With lots of indie games, I’m a friend even to the smallest of people. Remember those games that used to be exclusive to the PS2? Yeah, I’m getting sequels of those that are also on other consoles. I cover such a large array of gamers too. We got the mature first person shooters and then we have a subpar looking, over-simplified controlling child’s game that looks like a downloadable game. Want me yet? Here’s my hook. I’m only 400 dollars.

[image src=”×534-615×340.jpg” title=”Playstation 4″ lightbox=”no” url=”×534-615×340.jpg” align=”center” width=”400 px”]


Xbox One: Thank you for sitting down with me. Would you like to watch some TV? Maybe some sports? Here at Microsoft we LOVE sports. And sports games. How about some EA Sports goodness? Here at Microsoft we are fighters–we stole half the fan base from the PS2. Fighters like Killer Instinct from Rare that isn’t even being developed by Rare. Doesn’t matter, because Double Helix develops licensed games and as everybody knows, licensed games are the best. And don’t forget that for a mere 500 dollars, you can watch TV.

[image src=”×449-615×340.png” title=”XBox One” lightbox=”no” url=”×449-615×340.png” align=”center” width=”400 px”]

XBox One

Wii U: Hiya! Welcome to your childhood! Mario, Mario, Mario. That’s all you want out of life! And maybe some Zelda! Those other IPs? Star Fox? Metroid? Nobody likes those! You all only want Donkey Kong, and maybe some cruddy Warioware game! We know what you want, we know best, because we’re Nintendo. And we have a tablet-like controller that we haven’t done anything with yet, isn’t that enticing? Also, want to access to an entire library of retro games? Don’t worry we got…. 5 of those. You’re welcome. I’ll take your 300 dollars now.

[image src=”” title=”Wii U” lightbox=”no” url=”” align=”center” width=”400 px”]

Wii U

That is what I would imagine that they would say to me. What do you hear? What are your gripes with the next generation of consoles? What looks promising? What’s your console of choice and why?


  1. Alum here,

    Loving the Pap website and the articles. Great work everyone!

    Logan, great article! Informative and witty.

    Keep up the great work, all!



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